Notes from the Bride: What Not To Say to a Couple Before (or on) Their Wedding Day
Oh boy, it's funny, until you've had your own wedding, people don't realize that you are 1000x more sensitive to ANY comment about your wedding day. These are some of the off the cuff comments that people said to us that made us be like, "Did you actually just say this??” (P.S. Please read all of my responses with a heavy dose of sarcasm.. I didn’t actually say these things, and responded like a normal adult, swallowing my sarcastic replies and replacing them with cordial responses.. people mean well, but sometimes are better off just not saying anything haha)
Preface for this first one: It rained literally ALL week before our wedding and downpoured on our wedding day. The rain stopped 5 minutes before our outside ceremony started. The biggest thing we heard around our wedding day was:
"Mariage pleuvieux, Mariage hereux!" Aka "Rain on your wedding day is good luck".
NO.
STOP.
Oh, you actually thought that I didn't notice it was raining and that it's not internally freaking me out? Kind sir, is it really "good luck" when on July 1st, a day that NORMALLY doesn't have precipitation, that it rains? REALLY!???? No, it's bad luck. Stop telling me that it isn't, good luck was that it stopped 5 minutes before our ceremony. And please; PLEASE, just don't even remind me a few days before that the weather forecast is crap. I know. Also, the saying is actually, "Mariage PLUS VIEUX, mariage hereux" aka The older the couple the happier the wedding", Which, well also doesn't apply because I was 25.
"So do you have your dress??"
Ma'am, it's 4 days before my wedding, I freaking hope so. And if I don't, thanks for asking about something that's enormously stressing me out . I actually laughed whenever I heard this.
Anything that pertains to vendors not being on time or something not going right.
There were like 30 things that went wrong or late the day of our wedding and I knew about zero of them until a few days later. Wedding rule numero uno. DON'T STRESS THE BRIDE. If anything, talk to the maid of honor, the best-man, or the day of coordinator. These people are there to be the point people so the bride and groom don't need to deal with it.
Any complaints that you have during the reception or things you would have done differently.
It's not your wedding. It's not your wedding. IT'S NOT YOUR WEDDING.. Let me repeat that: it's not your wedding. The couple has worked so hard for this day and is envisioning that everything is going to go perfectly. They've done their best to be sure that everyone will have a good time and not start their marriage in tons of debt. Keep your comments to yourself and if you notice that something is wrong or dangerous during the reception, talk to the MOH or BM or the vendor in question. They'll help you!
A few weeks before the wedding: "Can I bring x person with me?" Or, "Oh just to let you know, I'm coming with a +1"
No.
No, you're not.
This was something to ask when you received your invitiation and RSVP'd and we have every right to decline inviting them.
"You should really invite x person."
It's okay to ask the couple if they're inviting somene, and if it's the parents of the couple requesting you invite someone, it's definitely okay. But hounding the couple to invite someone that they've already chosen NOT to invite isn't cool. It's the coffee test, if you would go out alone with this person to coffee, then you should invite them. If you would never do that and only see them in bigger social gatherings, it's not surprising if you don't invite them. Don't hound the couple because you want your friend invited. It's not your wedding. It's theirs.
"This is getting really expensive to come. "
Oof. I can't tell you how much that offhand comment affected me. It was your decision to come, I didn't force you, and I would never ever ever hold it against you if you didn't come because of financial issues. I didn't invite you because I wanted a gift, we invited you because your gift would already be your presence. You chose your hotel, your dress, your gift. You chose how much to spend. You could have RSVP'd no. This was your choice, please don't make me pay for it with guilt.
"Your mariage isn't really a true wedding because it's not x religion. "
WHAT?! Please, don't impose your religious views on anyone. If the couple decides they want a religious wedding or not, it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. If you don't support the union, don't come, but more importantly, keep that negativity to yourself. Marriage is an incredible commitment, and whatever marriage means to the couple is between the two of them. It’s not your place to judge. Please, just be happy for the couple!
Instead, here are some ideas to talk to the couple about their wedding day:
Anything you appreciated during the ceremony or the reception..
Things like: "Congratulations, we wish you happiness and love for many many years"
Beautiful choice on x thing (music, readings, dinner, venue etc.)
"Your nephew, the ring bearer, was absolutely adorable!"
"This was the best wedding ever!"
"Can you share your vendors with us for our wedding ?"
or simply
“Congratulations"
Small notes of happiness and positivity towards the happy couple go a looooong way and are always appreciated. Anything that will put a smile on their face is what you should be saying, anything not in that category.. please keep to yourself.
We actually heard all of these things above, the good and the bad. It was like 99% good but that 1% bad seriously weighed down on us! Please know that your words are powerful and can easily change a moment of happiness into one of stress, guilt, worry, and pain. I know this because I lived it. None of these people wanted to hurt us, there was no malicious intent, but that doesn't change the fact that we are still dealing with the after effects months after hearing them. The wedding day is not your day to air dirty laundry about the couple, it's not your day in general. It's their day, and it's your time to support them in any way you can. If you were special enough to be invited to their wedding, it’s guaranteed they will support you in any way they can during your big life events, too.